The Pumpkin Secret

half of my stand up routine involves imitating the dial up modem sound. my doctor always told me to capitalize on my talents

Working on my Gaming/ASMR Trigger vids

Winding and Unwinding Controller Cords for 36 Different Systems ASMR

PS2 memory card with MGS2 saves rubbing on PS2 memory card with Kingdom Hearts saves ASMR

Rubbing Teeth Against Banjo Kazooie Cart ASMR

somewhere out there, someone is actually erasing a cd-rw so they can write different data onto it. somewhere…

I hope one day I get smart enough to need to use a microfiche machine

i find it noble that you honored Kathy’s wishes and let her chinchilla take a dust bath in her ashes. but it completely ruined the vegan sandwich tray that i spent hours making. you could’ve done it elsewhere

You wake up in a futon

You’re in a small room with 4 short basement windows lining the walls in front of you and to your right. It is sparsely furnished and vaguely mildewy. There is a pile of old ICEE cups incubating mold by an older television. You remember that you are destitute. Your goal is to find some way to procure resources to survive.

>inventory

You are carrying:
Half Empty Fruit Stripes Gum Pack
$16.32
Plastic Case For iPod Nano 2G
Checkers/Rallys Coupons
Key with a skull on it

> look at checkers coupon

2 Big Bufords or Big Chickens for $4

>go to checkers

I don’t know what checkers is.

>travel to checkers

Try a direction.

>east

There is a wall. It has a poster with Audrey Tautou on it. Her lips have lipstick smeared on them. As usual, you feel an overwhelming urge to kiss the poster.

>don’t kiss it this time

Despite your best efforts, you kiss the poster passionately. Your Status now reflects your face as Dirty. Shame has increased 10%.

Watch our show, you’ll have laughter without pause, only enough gaps in the laughter to catch a breath, a constant rhythmic laughter caused by our timely jokes and gags, laughter that rivals cruel torture or the insane, it can be yours, a dense half hour of laughter that will leave your stomach muscles in a torn and painful state, for you to enjoy only if you turn on and watch our tv show, The Big Bang Theory

That awkward moment when you move away to go to computer college and realize you left all your Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman fanfics behind and your mom is going to find them